Game VS Truth
BEWARE: Lengthy, wordy post/rant… Here goes…
Now that I’m already in my third year of this Diploma in Games Design and Development, it’s really time to do a reality check. Is this what I really want to do?
The answer is a straight-forward NO.
I have no idea why I suddenly feel like doing this entry but some parts of me is telling me to really, face the reality and what makes you happy. Is whatever you’re doing now making you happy? I wouldn’t really say it’s making me downright upset like I was in secondary school but I can’t imagine myself doing this.
Like what I’ve said in Year 1, I’ve came to this course NOT because I want to create games but to learn the skills. There are so many skills to learn in this course that will somehow or another benefit me in another similar field, say media. So in fact, I kept true to myself since Year 1 till now by saying that.
Throughout the 3 years, I did learn a lot; from technical skills to communication skills to management skills… These are useful things that can be used outside of games. Besides that, I discovered that I MAY be game designer material but that’s not what I want to be.
I’m happier playing games than making them honestly. So why torture myself?
Sometimes when others ask me “What makes you an aspiring game designer?”, “What makes you want to be a game designer?”, I give them face valued answers. Those answers, sometimes, are not true. Simply put, I had been lying to lots of people out there.
But not as much as I’ve been lying to myself…
Look, trying to figure out which monsters attack you where is actually fun, figuring out how the story weaves around the characters is actually fun. It’s a form of story-telling, which is one reason why I’m in this diploma; to tell a story through a different form rather than books. I can’t discipline myself to write all day.
Hello~ Being good at something doesn’t mean I like it okay? If you get what I mean…
Lots of people are going to “kill” me… They said it before, jokingly. But sometimes I question myself “Am I wasting the space of someone else who wants it even more than me?” I have no idea how to argue that so that it’s in my favor. It’s unfair but somehow, at that point, that’s what I wanted too. And sorry, reality is, I’m better than the person too.
Then now, there are people who wants to “kill” me because they think I’m “good” at lots of things. Honestly, I’m not. Being good and putting in effort is 2 different things. I believe in doing things to my own standard and so long as it pleases me, that’s enough.
If you’re going to do your work half-heartedly, then don’t go around comparing yours with others because you know that you did not put enough effort. Beauty is not skin deep. If someone can see the effort behind it, the charm will be pulled through.
It’s not about being good! It’s about doing YOUR BEST. So stop trying to “kill” me because you’re just like me.
Saying that I’m not going to be part of the game industry might disappoint some people. Well, if that happens, it shows that I’m good. If that doesn’t, then good. It shows that I’m not suited, and I’m probably not.
My goal in life is to entertain others with whatever I have. Maybe games are not the platform for me to entertain since I have no passion for it already. In fact, I didn’t have the passion to begin with…
Believe it or not, I actually came into this course wanting to be a 3D artist. But it turned out that I didn’t really like it. Believe it or not, I wanted to be an artist when I was really young, up to secondary school. But I couldn’t see that in the future so I struck that out too.
So, I ended up doing words and words and words. That’s what I’m good at, I can safely say. Not many people can appreciate my job of doing documentation and charts and analysis and what nots but I don’t mind. It’s not them; just like I’m not meant to be an artist. And I’m proud to say that I don’t go whine about what I can’t do because I know exactly what I can do.
What am I going to do in the future then? No clue actually. Let’s see… These are what I want to learn.
Photography. I’m amazed by how pictures can bring out or enhance the beauty of something so ordinary. But what I’m thinking of is high fashion photography; of models, or high fashion lines, because they allow creative ideas more than other shots.
Acting/Directing. I’ve already studied that and I suppose I will continue to study that. It’s fun! More fun that doing the mundane things I do in class now. It’s a form of artistic expression through your face and body and to me, it’s more challenging.
Singing. I want to go to a vocal class! I want to go to Avex! Well, that’s a fantasy dream but if that comes true, I’m going to treat all my friends and family to a huge feast! :P I have no idea why I have the sudden urge of being a singer, especially since I didn’t like music classes in primary school and secondary school because they are boring. Maybe because I’m inspired by people like ayumi~ :P
Hmmm… Looks like I want to be someone in front of everyone, for the whole world to see. Well, everyone’s entitled to their dreams, aren’t they? And I believe that if I work towards it, I will get there…
Part of me wants to prove to a certain someone that even without your guidance (like you gave me any right now), I can strike it big and I want that to be in his face.
Well, worse comes to worst, I can always have a career in teaching English~ That means I have to polish up on my language too.
But no games please!